What I know now

We all say, "If I knew then what I know now, I'd be...", which I used to think was a good thing, but after carefully considering the statement, I realize that for many; self included, we would have been done a major disservice.

We go through the good, bad, and indifferent in our lives for a reason.  Obviously many of us don't know what the reason is at the time, but after you've gotten through it, given yourself time to think, and then seen it with new eyes, you can say, "Okay, now I get it" instead of the opening statement.  Without our many and varied experiences, we wouldn't be who we are today.  We wouldn't know how to love, to heal, to grow, or simply just be.  While we want to erase the hurt, shield ourselves from the negatives, and live our respective utopia's; life simply doesn't go that way.  God wrote a book for each of us and it's stated in the Bible, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart..." Jeremiah 1:5.  God prepared our lives according to His will and it's preordained what will happen.  No, God did not want to hurt any of us, but sometimes those hurtful/painful things are a part of His plan to carve us and mold us; and even for us to reach out to Him and call for his anointing in order for Him to bless, strengthen and keep us.

We can't blame God when negative things happen.  Sometimes the intersection of our lives with another is what caused the situation to happen; especially when we ignore our gut and decide to do things our way.  Trust me, I've lived this very lesson.  The Shack by William P. Young speaks to this very matter and it's a book worth reading in order to understand love, loss, conflicted emotions, forgiveness and healing.  This book put so much of what I know now into perspective and softened a hardened part of me.  It gave me more clarity and showed me that bad things can happen for good reasons and it's not what happened to me that counts, it's what I did with what happened to me.

I think we all might be better served to accept the things we cannot change and to empower ourselves to accept and know what we know now as a blessing.  We are all victors and not victims if we allow ourselves to be.  Remember we can't undo the past and make it right and there are no do-overs, so we have to accept that what's done is done.  Let us remove the rose coloured glasses and stand tall and say, "What I know now is..." as it ties into your life and life story.  Be makers and doers of the world in order to make a difference.  Be the change you're looking for and accept the man/woman in the mirror; trusting, knowing, and believing that you are somebody.  Be defined for who you are now and not where/who you were. 

Stand tall and say, "I'm (insert name) and I am proud of me and I what I know now is..."

Make your life count!

Cleansing in the tears!

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.” Washington Irving

 

Crying means different things to different people and sadly crying has been given a bad rap as it's often seen as a sign of weakness, but this quote speaks to crying in a favourable light.  It tells us that crying should be embraced and cherished as we would love and laughter.  I liken this quote to the Biblical saying, "...weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.",  Psalms 30:5.  

Personally, I was one of those people who was taught that crying was a sign of weakness and because I that, I held my emotions inside, which led to unhealthy ways of dealing with my saddened emotions.  While I was able to cry when death, physical, or emotional pain arose; however, I often got over it very quickly, but resorted to my unhealthy practices as my ultimate coping mechanism.  

Since healing from this practice, I'm no longer afraid to cry and let my tears flow as freely as they need to.  I feel good knowing that I can and will use my tears as a cleansing to release any built up emotions.  This quote fortifies my embracing tears as a positive release and the  song, "Healing In His Tears" Smokie Norful provides additional comfort.  

Express yourself; it's what makes you human!

All praises due...

“I do believe that when we face challenges in life that are far beyond our own power, it's an opportunity to build on our faith, inner strength, and courage. I've learned that how we face challenges plays a big role in the outcome of them.” Sasha Azevedo

 

When I read this quote, I said to myself, "this speaks exactly to me and my life". I thought about the many things that I've been through and how without always knowing of even understanding how I made it that it was faith and God's grace and mercy that carried me through.  I grew up going to Sunday school and to church where I understood the many lessons I was taught, but I didn't always know how they related to my life; when I was going through the many trials; especially as I child that I endured. I attributed it all to  unfortunate life experiences until I got older and began being able to apply the correlation between having inner strength, courage, and faith; in that order to my life.  I took comfort knowing that I was able to make it through all the madness without anyone ever really knowing what was wrong or how I was really feeling behind my Colgate smile.  The gift of discernment that I was blessed with became a burden and I grew afraid of it and ultimately neglected it as it seemed to cause trouble for me as I made inquiries as to the things that happened around me.  However, in spite of that neglect, I was still blessed with inner strength and courage to make it through the hellish things that happened to me in life.

Even though I'd stop going to church, I still remember the many Bible scriptures I was taught and learned and greater still; held on to the one truth that never failed me; Faith.  I always liked the song, 

"We've come this far by faith
Leaning on the Lord
Trust His Holy word
He never failed me yet
Oh, oh can't turn around
Come to far by faith"

As it gave me what I needed to go on and continue to face life with and without it's hardships and adversities.  

My life wasn't all bad and I did have many good times and years, which I always gave thanks for given the numerous bad times I'd gone through.  As an adult who reads and understands the Bible far better than I in my younger years, I have a fuller appreciation of that faith, inner strength and courage that the Lord so graciously blessed me with.  I look back with pride on how far I've come and how this quote was always a part of me without my even knowing it. I give thanks to God for finding favour in me by giving me this ability to face the adversities and keep going.  Each and every experience good or bad has shaped me into the woman I am and my faith has kept me able to have inner strength and courage to face every situation with the necessary tools to stay strong.  Even when I had moments where I wasn't sure how I would make it one day to the next, I knew and relied on God's word that told me there is strength in my weakness.  Faith is the spirits adrenaline and keeps you going when you want to give up.  Inner strength is saying, "I can do this one more day".  And courage is the child born of marrying faith and inner strength, which is the perfect family of things I needed to not just survive, but live.

Take this quote and apply it to your lives. Use it to heal; use it to grow; and use it to face your challenges.

 

Stay strong!

The Dumb and the Mindless

Instead of all the talk about election and voting, I decided to give my nickle commentary about The Young & the Restless.  I'm sure I'm not the only who watches this Soap Opera  and wonders these things, so I'm going to speak on many things that make viewers go "hmm?"

So, if Victor Newman is so smart and savvy, how come he can't see that scheming heffa Meggie is playing him like banjo and how do you just let her move into your house and give her free reign?  Okay, so she passed the "Victor Newman Background Check", but c'mon son, really?  You can't smell 'troublemaker" as her eau de trampette?

And while I get that Nikki is a recovering alcoholic, you mean to tell me that you can't taste vodka?  Even though vodka is not my drink of choice, trust it can be tasted in a drink. Grain alcohol is the ONLY liquor that I know of where you can pull that tastelessness on.

How come we don't know how old most of the characters are?  You got kids (Abby) who are in high school, but then are suddenly graduates and drinking.  Last I checked, the legal drinking age in the US was and still is 21.

And how is it that Noah went to Paris for school and his parents had no idea that he graduated and was coming back to the US?

I realize it's a soap opera, but damn the incestuousness of the relationships is really freaky.  Uncle-Brother-in-Law for example  Billy's relationship to Abby).


Are there no other places in Genoa City for folk to stay at other than the Athletic Club? 

Lily is the mother of twins and traipses around the house in shorts and heels.  Really? 

Who, aside from Jack Abbott wears a suit and tie all day everyday?  Can someone snatch him up take him to the Guess store for some jeans and a tee shirt.

How come the Chancellor estate, the Newman Ranch, and the Abbott mansion only has one or two rooms that everything happens in? 

How do people have sex in the middle of the day, not shower and go about their business sex funky for the rest of the day?

How do people have these plots and schemes (Meggie/Deacon) and no one figure them out?

Okay, that was some mindless entertainment on my part. Next post will be back to our usual programming.


Btw, I hope you voted!

oh my!

I'll publicly admit that I was one of those women who subscribed to the school of "Size Counts".  It wasn't a conscious decision per se, but my introduction to the male member was done in quite an impressive fashion that it was what I expected thereafter.  I was fortunate that my subsequent introductions (save for one) to other members of the "Well Endowed" club kept me thinking that was important and I even had a way of gauging how big a man was without even seeing it.  Sorry, I will not publicly disclose a trade secret. 

Anyway, up until recently, I still held my membership to the previously mentioned "club" and seemed content with it.  Well, that was until I got involved with my current and he firmly announced that while he's not as endowed as my previous boyfriends, he has what he has and can/will work with what he's got.  And let me tell you, he has over and over again.  Ladies, this man has come close to having his neighbours know my name and I've not only chased the rainbow, but experienced the many colours therein, and ate the Skittles at the end.  I've done and enjoyed things I used to say I wouldn't and he's left me sore more often that not. Is it ever great to have open the door to change/growth/new experiences.

Being with him is nothing short of an A because the foreplay starts outside of the bedroom with compliments, flirting, the kiss or touch at just the right/unexpected time, and when it reaches the bedroom, it's anyone's guess how it's going down.  We've scared ourselves on how involved we've gotten and how his performance has left me shook.  So suffice it to say that I've not renewed and am not sure that I would want to my membership to the "Well Endowed" club.  My sweetie has hit home runs, won pennants, and taken the championship with what the good Lord has blessed him with and I'm glad I'm over my once shallow; though unintentional mindset. 

A reformed woman!

Expect the unexpected

Given that I haven't been in a monogamous relationship in half a decade, imagine my surprise to find myself in the semblance of one.  It is truly a case of "it just happened" and one I'm finding most enjoyable.  We've known each other for almost 3 years and have been best friends for the better part of 2 of them.  It was a naturally forming friendship were we went from topical banter to deep and insightful conversation, where a deep level of confidence is established.  We have like personalities in some ways and are polar opposites in others, but somehow we seem to compliment each other pretty well and it works. 

It's pretty interesting how we seamlessly transitioned from being 'just friends' to this 'untitled exclusivity'.  We talk openly and honestly about what has happened and where we are emotionally as he's currently separated and dealing with very raw and nebulous emotions, where I'm more secure emotionally, but a little gun shy about allowing someone this close to me.  In truth, I'm okay with it all.  I'm enjoying the feelings he erupts and the confidence I feel with him.  He finds a level of peace and security with me that allows him to work with himself and through the ever-changing moods he sometimes finds himself in, but as I said; we seem to work.

While I saw none of it coming, I'm happy to be on this road as the journey is refreshing and insightful in many ways.  Our prior friendship served as a great foundation for us to being where we are now and I can appreciate something; my lover being my best friend; as something I haven't done in over a decade.  I haven't a clue where the final destination will take us and it would be nice to be put a title on us, but there's no need to fix what isn't broken, so it'll continue in the same fashion it currently exists; free-flowing. 

I've heard the term "expect the unexpected" many times in my life and it has happened in other ways in my life, but having it occur this way is by far the best to date.

Open your hearts/minds; expect the unexpected!

Having seizures

I've always been one for taking advantage of moments and opportunities and have yielded to many a dare or impulsive bouts because I'm a firm believer in making the most of out this life.  I've overcome a lot of adversity in my life and I've lived to tell, so it's very important for me to wrap my arms tight around life and squeeze it until I can't get anymore out of it.

Having lost Lil Lady's father earlier this year, I was once again reminded of how short and precious life is and why it's important to heal your hurts, reconcile where possible, love hard in spite of previous hurt, and stop making excuses.  Since his passing, I've seen others go as a result of illness or sudden death and it scares me, not because I'm afraid of death, but because there is so much I want to accomplish and achieve before my time comes.  I've seen some of said people suffer, some not, and others just waste their life on drugs or being reckless.  I can't and won't tell another how to live their life, so I'll speak solely of myself and that is I'm going to live this and live it well.  I'm going to have "seizures", which is my analogy to seizing as many good moments as I can get.  I want to see things and do things that I've never done before, or thought I wasn't interested in, or simply 'just because'.  Why?  Instead of that question, rephrase it by asking "why not?"  What do we have to lose?  A bruised ego?  Some money lost?  Whatever the reason for not, can't in my book outweigh why not.

In the past couple months, I've experienced more than I had in a very long time.  My walls have come down and the resulting infiltration of my inner being hasn't been bad.  I've learned to like football AND baseball.  I don't fully understand each sport, but I do know enough to make it through a game.  I've explored sex in a way I never thought I would because I negated things on "thinking" I wouldn't like it instead of at least trying it first.  I'm the fittest I've been in a long time; not to mention almost 7lbs lighter because I consistently go to the gym whereas I used to 'hate' gyms.  I see and love myself fully, wholly, and with conviction.  I want my dash to have a lot to speak for when my memorial service is held as I'm looking down on my friends and family listening to them recall and retell the times we've shared or things I've done.

I do have down days.  I have moments where I feel stagnant or unproductive and I entertain them.  Why not?  I have to explore that side of me as it serves as a catalyst for me to rise up and forge on; to open the door again and allow opportunity to come in instead of having to knock.  While I may never achieve everything, I'm going to do as many things as I can and with each "seizure" I have, I'll have yet another thing to look back on and be proud of. 

What's your motivation?

Will we ever be satified????

Okay, answer me this, when will women ever be satisfied with their bodies/appearance?  I've got a serious case of "Sick-A-See" with all these products designed to make me "more beautiful".

From creams to take away wrinkles, smooth skin, fade marks, etc, etc; to pills/shakes/diets/foods, etc, etc, to make use loose weight; to all the endless ways to alter ourselves, I'm ready to annihilate a good portion of the cosmetics and food industry.  Yes, I'm no dummy, these products have been around for years, so that's not in fact what's got me all riled up.  It's actually these damn products to enhance eyelashes.  EYELASHES? REALLY???? I mean REALLY?????  How the heck has it gone that far that we're now so concerned with our eyelashes that we're resorting to pharmaceuticals to make them longer/fuller?  What the hell is wrong with mascara for chrissakes?   I know it's a cosmetic booster, but dammit, I'd rather see that in use than someone ingesting pills or adding some liquid chemical juice on their eyelids to make their lashes longer.  Ugh, I'm appalled and disgusted!  But further than that, I'm appalled and disgusted by those who created it and are peddling it in an effort to play on the insecurities of women.

Women, is it serious?  Have we become that shallow that we're worrying about eyelashes?  There are a million other REAL issues women could be worrying over than this.  Women need to stop being so freaking petty, insecure, and/or whatever it is that drives them to fall prey to the constant attack on their psyche.  Granted we all have something about ourselves that we're not to fond of, but there has to come a point in our lives where we just say, "eff it! I am who I am and that's all there is to it.  Love me or hate me, I am me".

Having suffered with self-esteem and body issues for many years of my life, I rejoiced when I finally accepted myself "as is".  I was never one too big on cosmetics, so I never fell victim to that attack, I did overly worry about my weight, but I had 20yrs, 1 month and 7 days of Uncle Sam to thank for that; however, at some point, I did kind of say, "eff you, I'm good" as my genes/DNA worked favourably for me.  And that ladies is my point.  We have to come to terms with who we are, how we're built, and what some of our pre-disposed factors are.  We're not all going to be what society likes to dictate we should be, so the best we can do if find a healthy comfortable weight/lifestyle and stick to it.  We have to stop being convinced that every part of us has a flaw and needs to be 'fixed'.

Ladies, if you haven't already, I suggest you start healing the wounded child within.  Find her and love her and let her be free.  Stop allowing yourself to be railroaded into thinking there is something wrong with you; be it your weight, your height, your breasts, or your freaking eyelashes.  Talk to your doctor and get a full checkup to ensure you're healthy for your height/weight and live with any meaningful changes you may have to make, but do it for all the RIGHT reasons and not because some money-grubbing a-hole says you're not beautiful.  We are ALL beautiful in our unique way and it's time we understood and accepted it.

Live according to YOU! 

I'm not embarassed to admit it...

After my wonderful trip to The Bahamas in July, I ended up with a Yeast Infection for being in the water and having my bathing suit on for many hours every day of the trip.  My GYN prescribed Diflucan, which is a pretty power Rx to heal from the inside out and supplemented it with another Rx for vaginal insertion.  The days past and I was 'cured'.  Well, that was until a month later when I got a nasty gash that resulted in 7 stitches and was given some pretty strong antibiotics to ward off infection; only to be rewarded with getting another Yeast Infection.  Needless to say, I was pretty pissed and ended up having to take yet another Rx in order to rid myself of the secondary infection. 

Sick and tired of Rx remedies and the expense of these treatments, I did some research to find more natural ways to rid a Yeast Infection.  There are many websites (too many to post), that through my research has collectively most of the same information on how to naturally treat a yeast infection and prevent recurrence.  Having ended up with one; YET AGAIN (my body hates me), I decided it was time to give it a try.

While it's my preference to treat myself naturally, I did think some of the treatment options a bit odd, but not odd enough to prevent me from trying them.  So, here's what I did.

A peeled; careful not to nick the surface clove of garlic inserted directly into the vagina.  The clove can stay in for up to 12hrs.  I did this during daytime hours (time I got up until 12hrs later). I know it sound nasty, but you don't even know it's there and now you don't smell like garlic from down under.

At night, I inserted plain yogurt (yes, it HAS to be plain) like Dannon into my vagina as a suppository.  Now, that got a little tricky as I had to find a needless syringe or small turkey baster to get the yogurt inserted. I was fortunate to have a small needless syringe used for child's medicine to do the deed.  You can also soak a tampon in yogurt, freeze it, and then insert it, but I opted out of that method.

After a few days of that combined routine, I completed my regimen with a douche made of equal parts of Tee Tree Oil and Rubbing Alcohol; 1 tsp each mixed in a sterile container.  I dumped the content of a store bought douche bottle and instead used about 5 drops of the mixture with distilled water. (The remaining mixture will sit quietly in your medicine counter in case it's needed another time.)

I checked myself a few days later and guess what????  It WORKED!  I can't tell you how happy this tried and proven remedy has made me.

Cost of traditional route vs. home remedy
TRADITIONAL
Trip to GYN 80 miles roundtrip (roughly $10 fuel) + $1.50 in tolls
$30 copay
$12 Rx
TOTAL = $52.50

HOME
16 miles roundtrip to health food store $3 fuel
$13.99  for 2oz Tee Tree Oil which has multiple uses
.50c for bottle of Alcohol, which also has multiple uses
$1.00 for two pack of generic douche (resuable bottles)
$1.09 for gallon distilled water multiple uses)
TOTAL = $19.58 in gas/products, but actual cost is hard to determine due to all products having multiple uses, but it's safe to say that's it cost more to drive to store and back because the actual mixture was less than a dollar.

So ladies, if you get a yeast infection and know for a fact it is one, feel free to try my method or you can research the this or many other natural options.  Don't be fooled by the OTC/Rx methods!

Stay healthy

Show me what I'm looking for...

“Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone-we find it with another.” - Thomas Merton

Waving goodbye while saying hello!!!

Today marks the last day of my 42nd year and I'm hours away from my 43rd.  Year 42 started out with lots of festivity and in the company of my wonderful family and friends.  I embraced the newness of it and was excited about what was in store for me.  The first 5 months sailed by and for the most part, it was pretty good going.  At the end of February I was laid off due to a contract loss and budget cuts, which I didn't put much worry into as I anticipated not being out of work long.  At the end of March, I lost Lil Lady's father, which was unexpected and left me in shock and confusion as it was only two weeks prior to her 18th birthday.  With the resiliency, I shouldered a shared responsibility with his mother in having to settle his estate, comfort Lil Lady, and handle my own life.  None of it was; nor continues to be easy for me, but I forge on trusting in the Lord for provision, strength, and comfort.  My friends/family were there for me when I needed them and aided wherever they were called on.

Life still goes on in spite of the loss/pain. I am still without a job, Lil Lady has started college, my mother is still a source of contention in my life, but I'm still thankful for the year as it's given me learning lessons, tools/resources, a renewed vigor to live this life and make memories and moments count; moreover, I realize that nothing can be done without leaning on the Lord.  I managed to keep the faith, but there were times where I didn't lean as hard as I should have and only saw the dark even when it was light outside.  The past couple days have had me at my emotional weakest and wasn't sure how I'd end my old year for the avalanche of emotions was more than I could bear.  But God is good and I rose this morning realizing that I was in the fortunate position of having my old year end on a Sunday and I couldn't wait to get to church.  I needed to be there. The rain that came down this morning was welcomed as a cleansing for me to wash away all the negativity, mixed emotions, and darkness that had been clouding me like smog.  I received exactly what I needed in church through the sermon and the closing prayer; God is good!  Now I feel renewed, able, refreshed, and ready to welcome the new year.

So, here I sit waiting for the dinner reservations made by Lil Lady to celebrate my birthday as I wave goodbye to 42 and say hello to 43.  4+3 = 7, which is the number of the Divine so it's got no other choice but to be a good year.  I know God's got this and He's got me and together we're going to do it up.  There are no triumphs without trials and there has to be a test in order to have a testimony, so while 42 left me heavy laden, I still made it through with a triumph and a testimony.  I'm stronger, more resilient, wiser, more aware, and definitely more appreciative of life/living as I said before.  I don't like being a single parent, but we raised a strong daughter who was fortunate of having her father in her life from the time she was conceived until his passing.  She has wonderful memories of their time shared and has his initials to give her additional closeness.  He was a good man to me and in spite of our not making it as a couple; we made it as parents.  He lives on through her and she lives with me, so he'll always be a part of me and my life.

Life is good; people not so much, but I'm okay with that. I know God didn't bring me this far to leave me and I know that like a good vintage; 43's going to be a good year.

Stay blessed!

I will not fear!

In my experiences, I've found that allowing fear to take up any amount of residency in my life has caused my harm than good. Fear held me hostage in a terminally ill relationship knowing that life support was no longer an option and I needed to pull the plug. It masked itself in quick fixes and clung to me like new skin. It weight was light as a rock and that's how it managed to get away with being present so long.

When I finally got some rehab for my obvious malady, I used said fear as a propellant to launch myself into the world for my much needed growth; refusing to allow myself to be in such a position again. I put on my Ninja suit and kicked fear's ass and sent him packing. He was not longer going to live rent free at my experience.

While fear may have it's purpose to some, I can not let it have a purpose for me. Yes, there are things that make me nervous or uneasy, but fearful I'm not. Hell, I've met death or the perception thereof head on literally as a result of what should have been a fatal car accident and when I went through breast cancer.

I give no credence to fear. It can not and will not make me feel less than, inadequate, or weak. I'm human and I may worry, ponder, and as I said, get nervous as those are all parts of the human experience of life.  However, I can't call myself a believer and yet have no faith. I trust that whatever experience I have, I will come through it with a story or lesson learned; if not a testimony.

What I like about you

You know all about me and like me anyway.  You accept my good with my bad and don't hesitate to call me on my bullshit.  You promote my good traits and inspire me to be a better person.  When I'm feeling down, you're there to pick me up with a warm hug, comforting words, or even a firm word to stop me feeling sorry for myself.  We share anything and everything with each other knowing the confidence shared will never be broken; providing a mutual safe haven in which to dwell.  You don't judge me; instead show me ways I can work through my mess.  I know I'm important to you not by what you say, but what you do; often without a murmur or second thought.  And even on the times when we're a little more than just friends, you treat me with even more of the love, trust, respect of what was have as our foundation.  I never have to to worry about crossing the line as it never gets blurred.  Together we're a great team and we cheer each other on from the sidelines and when one of use has to be captain, there's never an issue of pride.  You're my best friend, my confidante, my occasional lover, and someone with whom I will always love.  You've made an amazing impact on my life and have seen me through some of my darkest days to my most joyous moments and for all of these things I love you.  My world is a better place for having you in it.

You know who you are! Muah!

Stay blessed!

Hindsight is 20/20

As a parent, I'm in a position to recall my childhood as watch my own child grow up.  I look back to many of the things I'd done and moreso what I got away with as it's those things that serve as the lessons learned tool in raising my child.

I've shared many of the crazy things I did as a teenager with Lil Lady in an effort to illustrate just how foolish what I did was and why she shouldn't repeat the things I did.  Don't get me wrong, save for one incident, Lil Lady hasn't done half the things I did.  She's had her share of teenage activities, but still they pale in comparison as I turned the tight reign my mother had over me into a learning tool on how to raise my daughter. 

Case in point; I used to sneak out of the house in order to hang out with my friends.  Why?  Because my mother; the warden in her infinite parenting wisdom thought I didn't need a social life and if I had one, I'd become deviant in some way.  Well, she was right, but not for the reasons she conjured up.  I did what I did because she wouldn't let me do things my peers were doing.  I wasn't a bad kid nor was I a bad student and compared to my extremely maladjusted younger brother I was in fact an angel; yet she did get the noose tight around my neck never once considering the converse role it would play.

I had a slightly older friend whom live about a quarter mile from my house and I liked to hang out with him, so on many a night, I'd sneak out of my bedroom window and go to his house and hang out.  Sometimes we stayed in and other times we'd go to NYC and hang out drinking Korbel, which was the hip champagne at that time in Washington Square Park; all of this unbeknownst to my sleeping parents.  Not once did I consider the ramifications of my actions; all I knew was I was having a good time and would be back home in order to get a few hours sleep before getting up for school. In all the times I snuck out, I didn't think about what would happen if there'd been a fire and my parents went downstairs to rouse me.  I didn't think about our getting into a car accident or being arrested for my underage drinking.  All I thought about was the freedom I had at that precise moment and making it count.  I never considered sneaking anyone into the house as I might have thought that it sent a bad message and that I was in fact doing something wrong.  No one ever questioned my being out with them 'after hours' and even if they did, I'm sure I would have convinced them it was fine.

I look back now and shake my head in wonder how I managed to get away with what I did for so long.  I think of the many turns my 'escapes' could have taken with not so favourable outcomes.  I'm happy that nothing did happen as the learning lesson could have been very different.  I've shown through my hindsight that there isn't much Lil Lady could do that I probably hadn't done or thought about.  I've taught her that what I did was wrong in so many ways and spared no detail in illustrating the many ways I could have gotten hurt, in trouble, or even killed.  I became the parent that communicated with her child instead of being over protective and think that a compromise couldn't have been made.

I'm in a very fortunate position to have raised a daughter that trusts and respects me and has taken the many things I've shared with her under advisement and consideration.  She and I have and continue to communicate honestly and openly with each other in order to come to a complete understanding.  The trust we share is undeniable and we confide in each other over just about everything.  Lil Lady is my daughter and best friend; a bond and a gift I treasure immensely as these are things I've yet to share with my own mother.  She didn't know how to be a parent and even when she did, she chose not to, which is again why I chose a different path.  I looked at how I was raised and made a commitment to myself and my daughter that I would not be that parent.  To date and save for a few things, I am not.  I pride myself on being the kind of mother that my child wants to be with and share details of her life that many of her peers aren't able to do with their parents.  Parenting is a role/responsibility I don't take lightly and I've become the "cool mom" with her peers and they know they can come to me with anything they want to talk about as they've seen who I am through my daughter.

We live in a day and age where we can't afford to be complacent with our children and we have to look back sometimes in order to know what not to do in the future.  I thank God for blessing me with the fortitude to raise Lil Lady the way I have and know that through my own eyes I can look back and learn that a wealth of good can come our way if only we use the negative wisely.

Stay blessed!

Ten Things I like About Sex

1. The kiss that takes my breath way
2.  The many configurations we form
3. The shared trust
4. The weakness/strength
5. Giving in and letting go
6. Unified bliss
7. Being sexually intoxicated
8. It being a journey of exploration
9. Knowing I can f*ck, make love, have sex all with the same person
10. Simply because it feels so damn good

Stay blessed

Check Please!

The more I date/get to know someone, the more reasons I've found to confirm why I'm still single. 

Last weekend; and at the same event I met Stalker at, I met Special Dark.  He did everything he could to gain my attention and flirted shamelessly when he did.  We engaged in a really great conversation where a good vibe developed and he asked if we could exchange numbers.  I didn't take his and instead gave him mine stating that if he truly had an interest he'd do the leg work.  In spite of my being independent, assertive, and all that good stuff; I still like to be courted. 

That evening, I went to the party with where I knew he would be and upon seeing me, he became my date for the night.  We drank, talked, danced, and had a genuinely good time.  When it was time for me to go, he walked me to my car, hugged me and said he'd be in touch.  He knew I had plans with my family the next day, but still sent a text to say it was a pleasure meeting me, inquired about my family whom he'd met at the picnic and party, and wished me a good day with them. 

The next day, we speak via text, but I wanted there to be some actual human contact, so I said, I would refrain from texting and he should call when he had an opportunity to do so.  A short while later, he called and we spoke for an hour or so.  The conversation was energetic and warm like our previous and he quickly took me out of the tired funk I was in to sparking the proverbial second wind.  I had to go out that evening, but said I would call or text when I was done.

The following day, he asked what was on my agenda and if there was an opportunity for him to visit me (he lives in NY).  I ran through my itinerary and said that the evening would be good.  Let the record show that I do not make a habit of letting people come to my home and I was in fact breaking my own self-imposed rule since I knew I'd have Lil Lady and my surrogate kids at the house, so I wouldn't be there alone with someone I'd just met. 

Upon his arrival; he was reintroduced to  Lil Lady and Surrogate Daughter as he'd met them on Saturday and he was also introduced to Lil Lady's Twin; also a surrogate daughter and Lil Lady's male bestie.  We sat and chatted for a while before he was afforded the tour of my house.  While upstairs, he kissed me, which I returned until he got a little touchy feely.  I promptly ended the tour upstairs and hustled him back downstairs and outside to the vast back yard until I was ready to bring him back inside. 

Fast forward to the kids going upstairs leaving he and I alone...He kisses me again and this time with more vigor than the previous.  I pulled away feeling a bit overwhelmed, but it didn't thwart his attempts to get touchy-feely again.  I backhanded him citing his advances were too forward and uncalled for.  He backed off, but now I was feeling a bit put off and said it was getting late and he had a 90 minute drive ahead of him.  He left and I was both pissed off and relieved.  We had standing plans, which we'd made on Monday to meet on Friday; prior to his wanting to see me on Tuesday, but I was no longer feeling like I wanted to go through with them as he'd rubbed me (literally) the wrong way.  Friday rolls around and I hadn't heard from him all day.  I called and left a message inquiring if we were still a go and waited for his response.  Bottom line was that I was going anyway as I'd already made the plans, but being one for social protocol, I made contact in spite of myself.  Hours later he said he was sorry, but had been caught up on some business and would get back to me.  I responded, stating it was cool either way as I was proceeding as planned. 

Later said evening, he text inquiring as to my whereabouts and I stated I was with my friend and it was cool that he couldn't make it.  (Read, was RELIEVED).  I think I might have truly lost it if I had to ward off his octopus-like advances.

The point of this convoluted story is that this is a clear example of someone showing you who they are and having the presence of mind to pay attention.  I saw very quickly that Special Dark is hands on - literally in spite of not once being given the green light.  His lack of contact post visit shows me what his intentions really where regardless of how he presented himself. And finally, his lack of contact since bailing on Friday.  In truth, I'm not pressed and will chalk it up to The Adventures and Misadventures of a Single/Dating Woman.  I had a good night regardless with a very dear/special friend, so here's to you Special Dark....Check please!!!!

Stay blessed!

From zero to sixty

Saturday past I was in Brooklyn at a fraternity; we'll call them huh phi really, cookout where I met a seemingly nice guy with whom I had a decent conversation with.  In my mind the connection was purely cerebral, but somewhere between the exchange of contact information because as I said, it was cerebral; at least on my part, he slipped in that he wanted to fly me to California.  Huh?  In my mind I'm thinking, "how I we get here?" And I think my thoughts were heard or he saw the "huh?" expression in my face and he said, "Yea, that's how I roll."  Wow! Okay!

Within two hours of the exchange of numbers, he, who'll from henceforth will be called Stalker called me.  I didn't recognize the number, so I answered the phone only to hear him identify himself and I was stunned!  I mean, who does that?  I know I'm still fairly new to the dating scene and am still learning certain rules of engagement, but to call within two hours seems a little forward/pushy/even desperate to me.  I abruptly got him off the phone citing I had my brother on the other line and I'd call later.  Unfortunately my evenings events got the best of me and I didn't return the call.  I did; however, send the Facebook Friend Request as he'd asked and no sooner he accepted the request, he posted "Hey Sexy".  Now, I'm less than stunned, but instead tad pissed off.  I mean, he hadn't asked my social status in terms of am I dating, in a relationship, or talking to someone, so for him to post that kind of comment was a bit offensive.  Call me sensitive, but that's how I felt.

It's now Sunday, and we're going on a family outing to Six Flags.  We arrived at the amusement park and I'd no sooner parked when my phone rang.  I see it's Stalker and didn't answer the phone.  It was not the appropriate time; nor did I want to answer only to promptly end the call.  Stalker left a voice message and immediately thereafter sent a text message.  Now, I'm heated!  I mean was it really necessary to send a text after leaving a voice message?  I went on with my day and hours later I replied to his text.  I told him I was with my family at the amusement park and that I'd get back with him when I was in a more practical environment.  He replied saying, "when you come see me in Cali, I'll take you to the Six Flag; Magic Mountain out here".  So, we're back to that again.   I replied, "money is wasted on me at amusement parks as I don't go on the majority of the rides, but it was a family day and I wanted to share time with them." That pretty much ended the conversation.

Monday morning rolls around and yes, he calls AGAIN!  I answer as I don't want to be on the hook to call back. I really only had a few minutes, so that afforded me the chance to limit talking.  He seemed overly impressed that I recognized his voice, but one would think that by now, I'd recognized his number and/or stored his number in my phone; nothing more.  He once again rambled on about my going to Cali of which I gave no reaction to nor do I plan to.  Hell, I don't even know this man; no he I.  He babbled on about this and that and then I ended the call as I was on a time constraint and he stated he had to get to the airport.

Tuesday rolls around and I'm relaxing with Lil Lady and my surrogate kids when my phone rings; I didn't recognize the number and answered reluctantly.  I was completely gobsmacked!  Stalker called again; this time from a number I didn't recognize and when I inquired, he stated it was his landline and that I should store it in order to have all of his contact information.  It was obvious he heard the commotion in the background and I was pleased that it afforded me the opportunity to get off the phone; not to mention that I had company anyway.



Now readers, I'm typically a very tolerant person, patient, and open minded person.  I will allow one the benefit of the doubt, but I think Stalker has gone rather overboard in his effort get my attention of show his interest in me.  Conversely, his persistence is having the opposing effect and now I feel compelled to let him know that 1) I have no romantic interest in him, 2) have no desire to engage in a long term relationship, and 3) I'm not attracted to him in an intimate manner.  I'm not sure what my actual course of action in words will be, but I will definitely speak up because I do not want to allow there to be a false sense of attraction between us. 

I feel like I'm on a speeding train that's about to crash into a wall.  I'm still trying to figure out how I got from what was seemingly a cerebral draw to my being gifted a trip to the west coast.  While I like to travel and am always up for a trip, I'm not inclined to visit someone I know nothing about and who's pursuing me like a virus.  I do understand that there could be an opportunity for our getting to know each other more, which could justify  his invitation, but the bottom line is that I'm simply not that into him; at least not romantically.  Furthermore, my being pursued so aggressively is not a turn on for me.  Yes, I like a strong man, but I don't like a brute or at least brute force tactics. 

I have no idea where this story will go or what the end result will be, but for now, I'm just trying to make sense of nonsense and sharing it hoping to get some valuable insight.  Oh, I have been instructed to simply ignore his calls and that he'll get the hint, but I did voluntarily exchange contact information and I do consider myself an adult, so ignoring him would be rather juvenile on my part.  I'll keep you posted!

Stay blessed!

I'm a weed!

I was outside doing some landscaping today and was hit with a startling revelation. 

When we compare ourselves to many things in life, we usually chose the more complimentary and more attractive of things; however, I did not do that.  I took pride in realizing that I'm a weed.  Yes, that's right a weed!  Not a rose; not an exotic flower, but your average garden variety weed; no pun intended.

Why you might ask? Well, I'm happy you did because I'm about to tell you.

You see, weeds are strong, resilient, and can pop up regardless of their environment.  They don't worry about their looks, as they find beauty within themselves never worrying about fitting in.  Weeds survive harsh terrains, withstand various weather conditions, and are pretty hard to get rid of.  Weeds don't require constant time and attention as they're self-sustaining and aren't seasonal.  Even with snow on the ground, the weed will be the first to break ground and mark they're place in the world.  And it's for these reasons why I'm a weed.

Over the years, I've survived adversity and remained in place; though sometimes a little worn.  I have not let lifes circumstances make me wither and die or hide.  I've always stayed strong, remained upbeat and determined, and most all, found my place anywhere at anytime.  I'm proud of my status as a weed.  I'm proud to know I can grow between concrete; the proverbial rock and a hard place and most of all, I find beauty in myself unquestionably.

When you consider what you are in life; what comes to mind?

Stay blessed!

Welcome

I've decided to deactivate (it remains up as I transfer links) my previous blog and start a new one.  I felt it was time to regain my writing mojo and the only way to do it was to start from ground zero.

As always, my thoughts will be completely random; however, they will be a little more focused on uplifting women as it seems that is something I've been called to do.

I hope that we can rebuild our existing relationship and continue to inspire, encourage, and share our many life experiences.

Stay blessed!