15 September 2010
Show me what I'm looking for...
“Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone-we find it with another.” - Thomas Merton
12 September 2010
Waving goodbye while saying hello!!!
Today marks the last day of my 42nd year and I'm hours away from my 43rd. Year 42 started out with lots of festivity and in the company of my wonderful family and friends. I embraced the newness of it and was excited about what was in store for me. The first 5 months sailed by and for the most part, it was pretty good going. At the end of February I was laid off due to a contract loss and budget cuts, which I didn't put much worry into as I anticipated not being out of work long. At the end of March, I lost Lil Lady's father, which was unexpected and left me in shock and confusion as it was only two weeks prior to her 18th birthday. With the resiliency, I shouldered a shared responsibility with his mother in having to settle his estate, comfort Lil Lady, and handle my own life. None of it was; nor continues to be easy for me, but I forge on trusting in the Lord for provision, strength, and comfort. My friends/family were there for me when I needed them and aided wherever they were called on.
Life still goes on in spite of the loss/pain. I am still without a job, Lil Lady has started college, my mother is still a source of contention in my life, but I'm still thankful for the year as it's given me learning lessons, tools/resources, a renewed vigor to live this life and make memories and moments count; moreover, I realize that nothing can be done without leaning on the Lord. I managed to keep the faith, but there were times where I didn't lean as hard as I should have and only saw the dark even when it was light outside. The past couple days have had me at my emotional weakest and wasn't sure how I'd end my old year for the avalanche of emotions was more than I could bear. But God is good and I rose this morning realizing that I was in the fortunate position of having my old year end on a Sunday and I couldn't wait to get to church. I needed to be there. The rain that came down this morning was welcomed as a cleansing for me to wash away all the negativity, mixed emotions, and darkness that had been clouding me like smog. I received exactly what I needed in church through the sermon and the closing prayer; God is good! Now I feel renewed, able, refreshed, and ready to welcome the new year.
So, here I sit waiting for the dinner reservations made by Lil Lady to celebrate my birthday as I wave goodbye to 42 and say hello to 43. 4+3 = 7, which is the number of the Divine so it's got no other choice but to be a good year. I know God's got this and He's got me and together we're going to do it up. There are no triumphs without trials and there has to be a test in order to have a testimony, so while 42 left me heavy laden, I still made it through with a triumph and a testimony. I'm stronger, more resilient, wiser, more aware, and definitely more appreciative of life/living as I said before. I don't like being a single parent, but we raised a strong daughter who was fortunate of having her father in her life from the time she was conceived until his passing. She has wonderful memories of their time shared and has his initials to give her additional closeness. He was a good man to me and in spite of our not making it as a couple; we made it as parents. He lives on through her and she lives with me, so he'll always be a part of me and my life.
Life is good; people not so much, but I'm okay with that. I know God didn't bring me this far to leave me and I know that like a good vintage; 43's going to be a good year.
Stay blessed!
Life still goes on in spite of the loss/pain. I am still without a job, Lil Lady has started college, my mother is still a source of contention in my life, but I'm still thankful for the year as it's given me learning lessons, tools/resources, a renewed vigor to live this life and make memories and moments count; moreover, I realize that nothing can be done without leaning on the Lord. I managed to keep the faith, but there were times where I didn't lean as hard as I should have and only saw the dark even when it was light outside. The past couple days have had me at my emotional weakest and wasn't sure how I'd end my old year for the avalanche of emotions was more than I could bear. But God is good and I rose this morning realizing that I was in the fortunate position of having my old year end on a Sunday and I couldn't wait to get to church. I needed to be there. The rain that came down this morning was welcomed as a cleansing for me to wash away all the negativity, mixed emotions, and darkness that had been clouding me like smog. I received exactly what I needed in church through the sermon and the closing prayer; God is good! Now I feel renewed, able, refreshed, and ready to welcome the new year.
So, here I sit waiting for the dinner reservations made by Lil Lady to celebrate my birthday as I wave goodbye to 42 and say hello to 43. 4+3 = 7, which is the number of the Divine so it's got no other choice but to be a good year. I know God's got this and He's got me and together we're going to do it up. There are no triumphs without trials and there has to be a test in order to have a testimony, so while 42 left me heavy laden, I still made it through with a triumph and a testimony. I'm stronger, more resilient, wiser, more aware, and definitely more appreciative of life/living as I said before. I don't like being a single parent, but we raised a strong daughter who was fortunate of having her father in her life from the time she was conceived until his passing. She has wonderful memories of their time shared and has his initials to give her additional closeness. He was a good man to me and in spite of our not making it as a couple; we made it as parents. He lives on through her and she lives with me, so he'll always be a part of me and my life.
Life is good; people not so much, but I'm okay with that. I know God didn't bring me this far to leave me and I know that like a good vintage; 43's going to be a good year.
Stay blessed!
19 August 2010
I will not fear!
In my experiences, I've found that allowing fear to take up any amount of residency in my life has caused my harm than good. Fear held me hostage in a terminally ill relationship knowing that life support was no longer an option and I needed to pull the plug. It masked itself in quick fixes and clung to me like new skin. It weight was light as a rock and that's how it managed to get away with being present so long.
When I finally got some rehab for my obvious malady, I used said fear as a propellant to launch myself into the world for my much needed growth; refusing to allow myself to be in such a position again. I put on my Ninja suit and kicked fear's ass and sent him packing. He was not longer going to live rent free at my experience.
While fear may have it's purpose to some, I can not let it have a purpose for me. Yes, there are things that make me nervous or uneasy, but fearful I'm not. Hell, I've met death or the perception thereof head on literally as a result of what should have been a fatal car accident and when I went through breast cancer.
I give no credence to fear. It can not and will not make me feel less than, inadequate, or weak. I'm human and I may worry, ponder, and as I said, get nervous as those are all parts of the human experience of life. However, I can't call myself a believer and yet have no faith. I trust that whatever experience I have, I will come through it with a story or lesson learned; if not a testimony.
When I finally got some rehab for my obvious malady, I used said fear as a propellant to launch myself into the world for my much needed growth; refusing to allow myself to be in such a position again. I put on my Ninja suit and kicked fear's ass and sent him packing. He was not longer going to live rent free at my experience.
While fear may have it's purpose to some, I can not let it have a purpose for me. Yes, there are things that make me nervous or uneasy, but fearful I'm not. Hell, I've met death or the perception thereof head on literally as a result of what should have been a fatal car accident and when I went through breast cancer.
I give no credence to fear. It can not and will not make me feel less than, inadequate, or weak. I'm human and I may worry, ponder, and as I said, get nervous as those are all parts of the human experience of life. However, I can't call myself a believer and yet have no faith. I trust that whatever experience I have, I will come through it with a story or lesson learned; if not a testimony.
18 August 2010
What I like about you
You know all about me and like me anyway. You accept my good with my bad and don't hesitate to call me on my bullshit. You promote my good traits and inspire me to be a better person. When I'm feeling down, you're there to pick me up with a warm hug, comforting words, or even a firm word to stop me feeling sorry for myself. We share anything and everything with each other knowing the confidence shared will never be broken; providing a mutual safe haven in which to dwell. You don't judge me; instead show me ways I can work through my mess. I know I'm important to you not by what you say, but what you do; often without a murmur or second thought. And even on the times when we're a little more than just friends, you treat me with even more of the love, trust, respect of what was have as our foundation. I never have to to worry about crossing the line as it never gets blurred. Together we're a great team and we cheer each other on from the sidelines and when one of use has to be captain, there's never an issue of pride. You're my best friend, my confidante, my occasional lover, and someone with whom I will always love. You've made an amazing impact on my life and have seen me through some of my darkest days to my most joyous moments and for all of these things I love you. My world is a better place for having you in it.
You know who you are! Muah!
Stay blessed!
You know who you are! Muah!
Stay blessed!
17 August 2010
Hindsight is 20/20
As a parent, I'm in a position to recall my childhood as watch my own child grow up. I look back to many of the things I'd done and moreso what I got away with as it's those things that serve as the lessons learned tool in raising my child.
I've shared many of the crazy things I did as a teenager with Lil Lady in an effort to illustrate just how foolish what I did was and why she shouldn't repeat the things I did. Don't get me wrong, save for one incident, Lil Lady hasn't done half the things I did. She's had her share of teenage activities, but still they pale in comparison as I turned the tight reign my mother had over me into a learning tool on how to raise my daughter.
Case in point; I used to sneak out of the house in order to hang out with my friends. Why? Because my mother; the warden in her infinite parenting wisdom thought I didn't need a social life and if I had one, I'd become deviant in some way. Well, she was right, but not for the reasons she conjured up. I did what I did because she wouldn't let me do things my peers were doing. I wasn't a bad kid nor was I a bad student and compared to my extremely maladjusted younger brother I was in fact an angel; yet she did get the noose tight around my neck never once considering the converse role it would play.
I had a slightly older friend whom live about a quarter mile from my house and I liked to hang out with him, so on many a night, I'd sneak out of my bedroom window and go to his house and hang out. Sometimes we stayed in and other times we'd go to NYC and hang out drinking Korbel, which was the hip champagne at that time in Washington Square Park; all of this unbeknownst to my sleeping parents. Not once did I consider the ramifications of my actions; all I knew was I was having a good time and would be back home in order to get a few hours sleep before getting up for school. In all the times I snuck out, I didn't think about what would happen if there'd been a fire and my parents went downstairs to rouse me. I didn't think about our getting into a car accident or being arrested for my underage drinking. All I thought about was the freedom I had at that precise moment and making it count. I never considered sneaking anyone into the house as I might have thought that it sent a bad message and that I was in fact doing something wrong. No one ever questioned my being out with them 'after hours' and even if they did, I'm sure I would have convinced them it was fine.
I look back now and shake my head in wonder how I managed to get away with what I did for so long. I think of the many turns my 'escapes' could have taken with not so favourable outcomes. I'm happy that nothing did happen as the learning lesson could have been very different. I've shown through my hindsight that there isn't much Lil Lady could do that I probably hadn't done or thought about. I've taught her that what I did was wrong in so many ways and spared no detail in illustrating the many ways I could have gotten hurt, in trouble, or even killed. I became the parent that communicated with her child instead of being over protective and think that a compromise couldn't have been made.
I'm in a very fortunate position to have raised a daughter that trusts and respects me and has taken the many things I've shared with her under advisement and consideration. She and I have and continue to communicate honestly and openly with each other in order to come to a complete understanding. The trust we share is undeniable and we confide in each other over just about everything. Lil Lady is my daughter and best friend; a bond and a gift I treasure immensely as these are things I've yet to share with my own mother. She didn't know how to be a parent and even when she did, she chose not to, which is again why I chose a different path. I looked at how I was raised and made a commitment to myself and my daughter that I would not be that parent. To date and save for a few things, I am not. I pride myself on being the kind of mother that my child wants to be with and share details of her life that many of her peers aren't able to do with their parents. Parenting is a role/responsibility I don't take lightly and I've become the "cool mom" with her peers and they know they can come to me with anything they want to talk about as they've seen who I am through my daughter.
We live in a day and age where we can't afford to be complacent with our children and we have to look back sometimes in order to know what not to do in the future. I thank God for blessing me with the fortitude to raise Lil Lady the way I have and know that through my own eyes I can look back and learn that a wealth of good can come our way if only we use the negative wisely.
Stay blessed!
I've shared many of the crazy things I did as a teenager with Lil Lady in an effort to illustrate just how foolish what I did was and why she shouldn't repeat the things I did. Don't get me wrong, save for one incident, Lil Lady hasn't done half the things I did. She's had her share of teenage activities, but still they pale in comparison as I turned the tight reign my mother had over me into a learning tool on how to raise my daughter.
Case in point; I used to sneak out of the house in order to hang out with my friends. Why? Because my mother; the warden in her infinite parenting wisdom thought I didn't need a social life and if I had one, I'd become deviant in some way. Well, she was right, but not for the reasons she conjured up. I did what I did because she wouldn't let me do things my peers were doing. I wasn't a bad kid nor was I a bad student and compared to my extremely maladjusted younger brother I was in fact an angel; yet she did get the noose tight around my neck never once considering the converse role it would play.
I had a slightly older friend whom live about a quarter mile from my house and I liked to hang out with him, so on many a night, I'd sneak out of my bedroom window and go to his house and hang out. Sometimes we stayed in and other times we'd go to NYC and hang out drinking Korbel, which was the hip champagne at that time in Washington Square Park; all of this unbeknownst to my sleeping parents. Not once did I consider the ramifications of my actions; all I knew was I was having a good time and would be back home in order to get a few hours sleep before getting up for school. In all the times I snuck out, I didn't think about what would happen if there'd been a fire and my parents went downstairs to rouse me. I didn't think about our getting into a car accident or being arrested for my underage drinking. All I thought about was the freedom I had at that precise moment and making it count. I never considered sneaking anyone into the house as I might have thought that it sent a bad message and that I was in fact doing something wrong. No one ever questioned my being out with them 'after hours' and even if they did, I'm sure I would have convinced them it was fine.
I look back now and shake my head in wonder how I managed to get away with what I did for so long. I think of the many turns my 'escapes' could have taken with not so favourable outcomes. I'm happy that nothing did happen as the learning lesson could have been very different. I've shown through my hindsight that there isn't much Lil Lady could do that I probably hadn't done or thought about. I've taught her that what I did was wrong in so many ways and spared no detail in illustrating the many ways I could have gotten hurt, in trouble, or even killed. I became the parent that communicated with her child instead of being over protective and think that a compromise couldn't have been made.
I'm in a very fortunate position to have raised a daughter that trusts and respects me and has taken the many things I've shared with her under advisement and consideration. She and I have and continue to communicate honestly and openly with each other in order to come to a complete understanding. The trust we share is undeniable and we confide in each other over just about everything. Lil Lady is my daughter and best friend; a bond and a gift I treasure immensely as these are things I've yet to share with my own mother. She didn't know how to be a parent and even when she did, she chose not to, which is again why I chose a different path. I looked at how I was raised and made a commitment to myself and my daughter that I would not be that parent. To date and save for a few things, I am not. I pride myself on being the kind of mother that my child wants to be with and share details of her life that many of her peers aren't able to do with their parents. Parenting is a role/responsibility I don't take lightly and I've become the "cool mom" with her peers and they know they can come to me with anything they want to talk about as they've seen who I am through my daughter.
We live in a day and age where we can't afford to be complacent with our children and we have to look back sometimes in order to know what not to do in the future. I thank God for blessing me with the fortitude to raise Lil Lady the way I have and know that through my own eyes I can look back and learn that a wealth of good can come our way if only we use the negative wisely.
Stay blessed!
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