What I know now

We all say, "If I knew then what I know now, I'd be...", which I used to think was a good thing, but after carefully considering the statement, I realize that for many; self included, we would have been done a major disservice.

We go through the good, bad, and indifferent in our lives for a reason.  Obviously many of us don't know what the reason is at the time, but after you've gotten through it, given yourself time to think, and then seen it with new eyes, you can say, "Okay, now I get it" instead of the opening statement.  Without our many and varied experiences, we wouldn't be who we are today.  We wouldn't know how to love, to heal, to grow, or simply just be.  While we want to erase the hurt, shield ourselves from the negatives, and live our respective utopia's; life simply doesn't go that way.  God wrote a book for each of us and it's stated in the Bible, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart..." Jeremiah 1:5.  God prepared our lives according to His will and it's preordained what will happen.  No, God did not want to hurt any of us, but sometimes those hurtful/painful things are a part of His plan to carve us and mold us; and even for us to reach out to Him and call for his anointing in order for Him to bless, strengthen and keep us.

We can't blame God when negative things happen.  Sometimes the intersection of our lives with another is what caused the situation to happen; especially when we ignore our gut and decide to do things our way.  Trust me, I've lived this very lesson.  The Shack by William P. Young speaks to this very matter and it's a book worth reading in order to understand love, loss, conflicted emotions, forgiveness and healing.  This book put so much of what I know now into perspective and softened a hardened part of me.  It gave me more clarity and showed me that bad things can happen for good reasons and it's not what happened to me that counts, it's what I did with what happened to me.

I think we all might be better served to accept the things we cannot change and to empower ourselves to accept and know what we know now as a blessing.  We are all victors and not victims if we allow ourselves to be.  Remember we can't undo the past and make it right and there are no do-overs, so we have to accept that what's done is done.  Let us remove the rose coloured glasses and stand tall and say, "What I know now is..." as it ties into your life and life story.  Be makers and doers of the world in order to make a difference.  Be the change you're looking for and accept the man/woman in the mirror; trusting, knowing, and believing that you are somebody.  Be defined for who you are now and not where/who you were. 

Stand tall and say, "I'm (insert name) and I am proud of me and I what I know now is..."

Make your life count!

Cleansing in the tears!

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.” Washington Irving

 

Crying means different things to different people and sadly crying has been given a bad rap as it's often seen as a sign of weakness, but this quote speaks to crying in a favourable light.  It tells us that crying should be embraced and cherished as we would love and laughter.  I liken this quote to the Biblical saying, "...weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.",  Psalms 30:5.  

Personally, I was one of those people who was taught that crying was a sign of weakness and because I that, I held my emotions inside, which led to unhealthy ways of dealing with my saddened emotions.  While I was able to cry when death, physical, or emotional pain arose; however, I often got over it very quickly, but resorted to my unhealthy practices as my ultimate coping mechanism.  

Since healing from this practice, I'm no longer afraid to cry and let my tears flow as freely as they need to.  I feel good knowing that I can and will use my tears as a cleansing to release any built up emotions.  This quote fortifies my embracing tears as a positive release and the  song, "Healing In His Tears" Smokie Norful provides additional comfort.  

Express yourself; it's what makes you human!

All praises due...

“I do believe that when we face challenges in life that are far beyond our own power, it's an opportunity to build on our faith, inner strength, and courage. I've learned that how we face challenges plays a big role in the outcome of them.” Sasha Azevedo

 

When I read this quote, I said to myself, "this speaks exactly to me and my life". I thought about the many things that I've been through and how without always knowing of even understanding how I made it that it was faith and God's grace and mercy that carried me through.  I grew up going to Sunday school and to church where I understood the many lessons I was taught, but I didn't always know how they related to my life; when I was going through the many trials; especially as I child that I endured. I attributed it all to  unfortunate life experiences until I got older and began being able to apply the correlation between having inner strength, courage, and faith; in that order to my life.  I took comfort knowing that I was able to make it through all the madness without anyone ever really knowing what was wrong or how I was really feeling behind my Colgate smile.  The gift of discernment that I was blessed with became a burden and I grew afraid of it and ultimately neglected it as it seemed to cause trouble for me as I made inquiries as to the things that happened around me.  However, in spite of that neglect, I was still blessed with inner strength and courage to make it through the hellish things that happened to me in life.

Even though I'd stop going to church, I still remember the many Bible scriptures I was taught and learned and greater still; held on to the one truth that never failed me; Faith.  I always liked the song, 

"We've come this far by faith
Leaning on the Lord
Trust His Holy word
He never failed me yet
Oh, oh can't turn around
Come to far by faith"

As it gave me what I needed to go on and continue to face life with and without it's hardships and adversities.  

My life wasn't all bad and I did have many good times and years, which I always gave thanks for given the numerous bad times I'd gone through.  As an adult who reads and understands the Bible far better than I in my younger years, I have a fuller appreciation of that faith, inner strength and courage that the Lord so graciously blessed me with.  I look back with pride on how far I've come and how this quote was always a part of me without my even knowing it. I give thanks to God for finding favour in me by giving me this ability to face the adversities and keep going.  Each and every experience good or bad has shaped me into the woman I am and my faith has kept me able to have inner strength and courage to face every situation with the necessary tools to stay strong.  Even when I had moments where I wasn't sure how I would make it one day to the next, I knew and relied on God's word that told me there is strength in my weakness.  Faith is the spirits adrenaline and keeps you going when you want to give up.  Inner strength is saying, "I can do this one more day".  And courage is the child born of marrying faith and inner strength, which is the perfect family of things I needed to not just survive, but live.

Take this quote and apply it to your lives. Use it to heal; use it to grow; and use it to face your challenges.

 

Stay strong!

Expect the unexpected

Given that I haven't been in a monogamous relationship in half a decade, imagine my surprise to find myself in the semblance of one.  It is truly a case of "it just happened" and one I'm finding most enjoyable.  We've known each other for almost 3 years and have been best friends for the better part of 2 of them.  It was a naturally forming friendship were we went from topical banter to deep and insightful conversation, where a deep level of confidence is established.  We have like personalities in some ways and are polar opposites in others, but somehow we seem to compliment each other pretty well and it works. 

It's pretty interesting how we seamlessly transitioned from being 'just friends' to this 'untitled exclusivity'.  We talk openly and honestly about what has happened and where we are emotionally as he's currently separated and dealing with very raw and nebulous emotions, where I'm more secure emotionally, but a little gun shy about allowing someone this close to me.  In truth, I'm okay with it all.  I'm enjoying the feelings he erupts and the confidence I feel with him.  He finds a level of peace and security with me that allows him to work with himself and through the ever-changing moods he sometimes finds himself in, but as I said; we seem to work.

While I saw none of it coming, I'm happy to be on this road as the journey is refreshing and insightful in many ways.  Our prior friendship served as a great foundation for us to being where we are now and I can appreciate something; my lover being my best friend; as something I haven't done in over a decade.  I haven't a clue where the final destination will take us and it would be nice to be put a title on us, but there's no need to fix what isn't broken, so it'll continue in the same fashion it currently exists; free-flowing. 

I've heard the term "expect the unexpected" many times in my life and it has happened in other ways in my life, but having it occur this way is by far the best to date.

Open your hearts/minds; expect the unexpected!

Having seizures

I've always been one for taking advantage of moments and opportunities and have yielded to many a dare or impulsive bouts because I'm a firm believer in making the most of out this life.  I've overcome a lot of adversity in my life and I've lived to tell, so it's very important for me to wrap my arms tight around life and squeeze it until I can't get anymore out of it.

Having lost Lil Lady's father earlier this year, I was once again reminded of how short and precious life is and why it's important to heal your hurts, reconcile where possible, love hard in spite of previous hurt, and stop making excuses.  Since his passing, I've seen others go as a result of illness or sudden death and it scares me, not because I'm afraid of death, but because there is so much I want to accomplish and achieve before my time comes.  I've seen some of said people suffer, some not, and others just waste their life on drugs or being reckless.  I can't and won't tell another how to live their life, so I'll speak solely of myself and that is I'm going to live this and live it well.  I'm going to have "seizures", which is my analogy to seizing as many good moments as I can get.  I want to see things and do things that I've never done before, or thought I wasn't interested in, or simply 'just because'.  Why?  Instead of that question, rephrase it by asking "why not?"  What do we have to lose?  A bruised ego?  Some money lost?  Whatever the reason for not, can't in my book outweigh why not.

In the past couple months, I've experienced more than I had in a very long time.  My walls have come down and the resulting infiltration of my inner being hasn't been bad.  I've learned to like football AND baseball.  I don't fully understand each sport, but I do know enough to make it through a game.  I've explored sex in a way I never thought I would because I negated things on "thinking" I wouldn't like it instead of at least trying it first.  I'm the fittest I've been in a long time; not to mention almost 7lbs lighter because I consistently go to the gym whereas I used to 'hate' gyms.  I see and love myself fully, wholly, and with conviction.  I want my dash to have a lot to speak for when my memorial service is held as I'm looking down on my friends and family listening to them recall and retell the times we've shared or things I've done.

I do have down days.  I have moments where I feel stagnant or unproductive and I entertain them.  Why not?  I have to explore that side of me as it serves as a catalyst for me to rise up and forge on; to open the door again and allow opportunity to come in instead of having to knock.  While I may never achieve everything, I'm going to do as many things as I can and with each "seizure" I have, I'll have yet another thing to look back on and be proud of. 

What's your motivation?

What I like about you

You know all about me and like me anyway.  You accept my good with my bad and don't hesitate to call me on my bullshit.  You promote my good traits and inspire me to be a better person.  When I'm feeling down, you're there to pick me up with a warm hug, comforting words, or even a firm word to stop me feeling sorry for myself.  We share anything and everything with each other knowing the confidence shared will never be broken; providing a mutual safe haven in which to dwell.  You don't judge me; instead show me ways I can work through my mess.  I know I'm important to you not by what you say, but what you do; often without a murmur or second thought.  And even on the times when we're a little more than just friends, you treat me with even more of the love, trust, respect of what was have as our foundation.  I never have to to worry about crossing the line as it never gets blurred.  Together we're a great team and we cheer each other on from the sidelines and when one of use has to be captain, there's never an issue of pride.  You're my best friend, my confidante, my occasional lover, and someone with whom I will always love.  You've made an amazing impact on my life and have seen me through some of my darkest days to my most joyous moments and for all of these things I love you.  My world is a better place for having you in it.

You know who you are! Muah!

Stay blessed!